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Al's apartment, a few days later

Spending more of my time here, now. Much of it as I can, really.

Still have to be careful, of course. Think Al's got some kind of plan in place to tidy away any evidence of our previous deal; figure I'm better off not knowing the details.

But we've been able to get up together in the mornings, mostly, and I'm here when he comes back from work - which seems to be getting earlier, these past days. And it's - easy. More absurdly domestic than I'd've thought possibly, when he straightens my tie under my chin with a slight frown for my scruffiness, or I take his jacket and kiss him as he comes in the door. Almost frightening how fast it's starting to feel normal, him and me, here. Not sure I realised how I've missed living with someone, since Syl. Knowing it'll last, god willing. Knowing that I'm home.

[Open to Al]

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tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:00 pm (UTC)
I'm fucking glad when he says the kid - kids - won't be living with us. Feel bad for that, knowing how missing his kid'll hurt him.

He squeezes my fingers, and I wrap my hand briefly round his. "When I think of Fiona, I fear the choices I am making now are enirely selfish. But there is no peace for me outside this. I cannot go back."

My heart twinges where he touches my chest: love and triumph and guilt. "Would it be better," I say quietly, thinking of everything he's told me, "if you - pushed yourself to do that, and pushed too hard?" Don't think a mad father would do her any good, if he cracked again.
al_shairan
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:12 pm (UTC)
"Would it be better if you - pushed yourself to do that, and pushed too hard?"

I sigh.

"I think it would be better for Fiona not to have me around at all than to have me as I was when I was ill," I say. "I am not sure I am entirely sane at present," I add, quirking an eyebrow at him, "but it is nothing like - that." The great open mouth of darkness. "And if I did not have you, after I have learned what it is like to love you..." The words trail away.
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:19 pm (UTC)
"I am not sure I am entirely sane at present, but it is nothing like - that. And if I did not have you, after I have learned what it is like to love you..."

The way his voice fades out makes me pull him in against me, hold him tight. Never going to let that happen, love. Never. Whatever it takes "You don't have to worry about that," I say fiercely. "I'm not going anywhere. Couldn't make me leave, now. Probably," I add, trying to lighten the tone, "have to shoot me and dump my body in the river, now. And even then I might crawl back out."

...not sure that did very well at lightening things.
al_shairan
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:25 pm (UTC)
"You don't have to worry about that," I say fiercely. "I'm not going anywhere. Couldn't make me leave, now."

He holds me so tightly.

"I believe you," I say against his ear. "I believe you."

"Probably have to shoot me and dump my body in the river, now. And even then I might crawl back out."

I draw back a little and raise an eyebrow at him.

"You are," I say, "quite the strangest man I have ever known, which given my life thus far is saying something." I am grinning. "It is good to know that I am assured of your zombified love. That is a load off my mind." I put my arm around him. "And the rest," I say, more seriously. "I knew it already, but I am still glad. I trust you more than anyone else. I do not know how that happened."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 24th, 2010 01:32 am (UTC)
"You are quite the strangest man I have ever known, which given my life thus far is saying something. It is good to know that I am assured of your zombified love. That is a load off my mind."

...Zombified love? Cheered him up, at least. Glad to see him grinning again, and he's got his arm round me now. "And the rest. I knew it already, but I am still glad. I trust you more than anyone else. I do not know how that happened."

"Started trusting you," I say thoughtfully, "when I realised how - honest you were. With me. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? - all things considered, I mean. You were always straight with me from he start."

Hear what I just said and laugh a bit. "You know what I mean. And then somewhere along the line, I realised I was - " Try to find the words. Not even talking about being in love with him, now.

"I realised I couldn't imagine my life without you. There was just... It seemed like it'd be - empty. I don't just mean fucking, or being in a relationship. Even if we were enemies; just needed you there. You had to be there somehow. It was like...everything revolved around you, and I hadn't seen it happen but then there you were. Like gravity had suddenly shifted to you."

I'm not making sense, I don't think. Hopefully he'll understand.
al_shairan
Sep. 24th, 2010 10:05 am (UTC)
Started trusting you when I realised how - honest you were. With me. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? - all things considered, I mean. You were always straight with me from the start."

"Fucked up, probably," I say, "given my reputation. But I found it...easier, to tell you the truth. It satisfied something in me, though at the time I could not have told you what."

"I realised I couldn't imagine my life without you. There was just... It seemed like it'd be - empty. I don't just mean fucking, or being in a relationship. Even if we were enemies; just needed you there. You had to be there somehow. It was like...everything revolved around you, and I hadn't seen it happen but then there you were. Like gravity had suddenly shifted to you."

My chest feels quite tight, suddenly. It is not as if I have not been told you mean the world to me by others, but this is different.

"Yes," I say. "It is more than love, this. You are the axis of things for me, now." I think that my world would shiver to pieces if he were not here, and it is a thought that is simultaneously terrifying and satisfying. "I told myself long ago I would never let someone be that to me. But I can't not for you." I kiss him, mouth open but the kiss somehow almost chaste, a salute rather than an embrace.
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 24th, 2010 08:14 pm (UTC)
"I told myself long ago I would never let someone be that to me. But I can't not for you." That'd worry me, if it wasn't for the fact that I know I won't leave him. I can give him what Gabe wouldn't, what Lily never did. Feels good, to have a purpose like that. To be needed.

He presses his mouth to mine and my lips soften under his, part a little. Reminds me of what he's done to me overall, everything in me that was clenched and rigid turned soft and open to him. Won't let any of those walls down with anyone else, but being able to do it with him -

He said I'd saved him. Think he did the same to me. Don't like to think about where I might've ended up, without him. He gave me my life back. "Fuck," I say cheerfully, "I'm starving. Think the noodles'll be cold?"
al_shairan
Sep. 24th, 2010 11:20 pm (UTC)
"Fuck, I'm starving. Think the noodles'll be cold?"

"Stone cold," I say, smiling back at him, the mood lightening. "But we have a microwave." I notice the we after I say it, and it makes my smile lift higher. I get off the bed and stretch, and offer him my hand to help him up. Reheated takeout would not normally be on my list of ideal meals, but right now it seems perfect.

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