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Al's apartment, a few days later

Spending more of my time here, now. Much of it as I can, really.

Still have to be careful, of course. Think Al's got some kind of plan in place to tidy away any evidence of our previous deal; figure I'm better off not knowing the details.

But we've been able to get up together in the mornings, mostly, and I'm here when he comes back from work - which seems to be getting earlier, these past days. And it's - easy. More absurdly domestic than I'd've thought possibly, when he straightens my tie under my chin with a slight frown for my scruffiness, or I take his jacket and kiss him as he comes in the door. Almost frightening how fast it's starting to feel normal, him and me, here. Not sure I realised how I've missed living with someone, since Syl. Knowing it'll last, god willing. Knowing that I'm home.

[Open to Al]

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al_shairan
Sep. 21st, 2010 10:00 am (UTC)
My legs tremble as I come down, panting hard. I feel loose-limbed, relaxed, but Tez's muscles are still tense around me. I let go of his hair, shift the arm around his chest so I can hold him better, and put my sweat-damp hand on his cock. He is so very hard. I feel my cock give a final twitch inside him at the feel of his hardness, the heat of him, and I jerk his prick roughly, quickly.

"Come on, love," I say. "I want to feel you come."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 21st, 2010 12:13 pm (UTC)
"Come on, love. I want to feel you come."

Thank fuck.

There's nothing gentle about his hand, and that's good, because I don't have the patience now. I let my head hang forward, breathing hard, and when I come it's hard relief that leaves me gasping. Feels more like an afterthought than anything, something physical I needed to get out of the way so I could relax with him; the real climax was that point he was so deep inside me.

"Fuck," and my voice is raw, exhausted. "I love you. Lie down with me now."
al_shairan
Sep. 21st, 2010 12:40 pm (UTC)
He comes hard, panting, and I shudder a little in sympathy behind him.

"I love you. Lie down with me now."

I withdraw, easing out gently, and I help him down onto the bed because I know his knees will have seized up. I lie with my chest against his back, and I kiss his shoulder.

"I love being inside you," I say. "Really, I do not know why I do anything else. Work, eating..." I smile against his shoulder, and I let out a satisfied sigh.

I stroke his hip for a while, almost drifting to sleep.

"I wonder if she will look like you," I say. "Your daughter, I mean." I am not sure why it comes to mind now. "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 21st, 2010 07:23 pm (UTC)
I can't move, but he helps me without me asking. His arm over me is comforting, his lips against my shoulder. "I love being inside you. Really, I do not know why I do anything else. Work, eating..."

"Eating gives you the energy to fuck," I say lazily. "Can stop working, if you want."

I'm pretty much asleep by the time he speaks again. "I wonder if she will look like you." What? "Your daughter, I mean." Oh. Why's he - "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."

Interesting. Turn over to look at him. "Took a bit of getting used to, I've got to say. But - I want this, Al. A kid, I mean. I think I'll make a shitty father," fucking terrified I will, "but...yeah."

I brush his hair back from his face. "Why were you jealous, love?" He wasn't jealous of the fucking, I think. I remember what happened, when I told him about the baby. Remember it very well, and I smile a bit.
al_shairan
Sep. 21st, 2010 08:09 pm (UTC)
"Took a bit of getting used to, I've got to say. But - I want this, Al. A kid, I mean. I think I'll make a shitty father, but...yeah."

"You will not," I say seriously, "be a bad father. I think you know enough about bad fatherhood to avoid those mistakes. And you will love her, and that will help." I sometimes wonder if my father ever loved me; not in a maudln way, but from genuine curiosity.

"Why were you jealous, love?"

He is smiling a little, and I feel almost self-conscious.

"I suppose," I say, "it seemed like you could have - a normal sort of life, you and Danika and the baby, and I should not have begrudged you that, since I had it for myself -" I notice the past tense as I say it, and I wonder what it is I have now, marriage slowly slipping away and I have not the heart to hold onto it - "but." I touch his face. "I told you that I think I realised then that I loved you, even if I did not acknowledge it. I thought I would lose you. And it is not as if I could give you a family, which I knew you had always wanted." I stroke my hand along his cheek. "I myself wanted it so much that it overthrew years of natural inclination, at least for a while. I never thought I would love a woman, and I did, and I think a lot of it was because she had my child. After my childhood, after - everything, the thought of that... It was perfect. Or so I thought."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 22nd, 2010 12:41 pm (UTC)
"You will not be a bad father. I think you know enough about bad fatherhood to avoid those mistakes. And you will love her, and that will help."

Think about my own father - how my uncle got drunk at our apartment once and told me about how their father used to thrash them when they were boys, with the buckle end of his belt or a metal coathanger. I remember my grandfather as a grim, rigidly controlling sort of man, and could believe it. My father didn't make his mistakes, and yet.

But Al sounds so certain, and it's easy to trust Al. And he's raising his own kid, and loves her. He's got to know. "I worry," is all I say, quite simply. Did my father ever worry about that? Maybe he spent all his worry on Quet.

"It seemed like you could have - a normal sort of life, you and Danika and the baby, and I should not have begrudged you that, since I had it for myself - but." He's touching me as he talks, his fingers light, and I lean into it a little. "I told you that I think I realised then that I loved you, even if I did not acknowledge it. I thought I would lose you. And it is not as if I could give you a family, which I knew you had always wanted."

...That was what he had in the back of his mind, that night? How much I wanted a family, and how he thought he couldn't give me that? I catch his fingers and kiss them, my mouth very gentle. "You're my family," I say, and I mean it. The home of my heart, but that sounds too sentimental, when we're not fucking. "And - Danika's your niece. So there's...a bit of you in the kid, really." It's a strange sort of thought, and a pleasant one. Wonder what the kid'll look like, fair like him and Danika or dark like me.

But he's talking about his own family, now. After his childhood, yes, and after Gabe. I understand that. But that or so I thought makes my heart hurt. I could almost wish it'd been perfect, so he'd have that. Almost.

"Al," I say, and I'm still holding his fingers. I'm not sure how to say this. "I was thinking - Fiona - " Fold my hand around his. "What're you going to do?" It'll kill him to lose her, surely. But what the fuck are we going to do with a kid? Don't know the first thing about raising them. Figured I'd learn, with Danika.

Would I do that, for him? Take his kid in with us here? Fuck, I want to make him happy, but the thought of someone else, something else breaking in on us, disrupting what's seeming pretty close to perfect right now...I don't know. But I don't think I can say no to him, if it's what he wants.

Don't think I can ever say no to him, now.

al_shairan
Sep. 22nd, 2010 02:50 pm (UTC)
"I worry," he says, and I touch my mouth to his.

"The worry will help," I say.

And then I tell him about my jealousy, and he kisses my fingertips. "You're my family," he says, and my throat closes up. "And - Danika's your niece. So there's...a bit of you in the kid, really."

"Yes," I say. "It makes for a fucked up family tree, but... I am glad."

"Al," he continues, and there is a hesitation in his voice that makes me think what he is about to say is important.

"I was thinking - Fiona - What're you going to do?"

I sigh.

"She should stay with her mother," I say. "I do not think, even with all my success in -" Tez would call it perverting the course of justice - "receiving favourable terms under the law, that any court would give me preference over Lily in a custody case." The mother is always preferred, even when the father is not in a homosexual relationship and has a history of mental illness. "And it would kill her," I say. "Lily, I mean." I do not think I am exaggerating. "No, Fiona - and the twins, when they come - will not live with me. I will just have to hope that Lily will agree to a joint custody settlement that will allow me plenty of access, but if she is angry, she will probably want to fight." And she is bound to be angry.

I squeeze his fingers. "It is not ideal," I say. "I suppose I can take heart in knowing half of Fiona's classmates are raised by divorced parents, and most of them turn out well enough." I doubt I sound altogether convinced. "When I think of Fiona," I say, "I fear that the choices I am making now are entirely selfish. But there is no peace for me outside this," I say, touching my hand to his chest. "I cannot go back."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:00 pm (UTC)
I'm fucking glad when he says the kid - kids - won't be living with us. Feel bad for that, knowing how missing his kid'll hurt him.

He squeezes my fingers, and I wrap my hand briefly round his. "When I think of Fiona, I fear the choices I am making now are enirely selfish. But there is no peace for me outside this. I cannot go back."

My heart twinges where he touches my chest: love and triumph and guilt. "Would it be better," I say quietly, thinking of everything he's told me, "if you - pushed yourself to do that, and pushed too hard?" Don't think a mad father would do her any good, if he cracked again.
al_shairan
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:12 pm (UTC)
"Would it be better if you - pushed yourself to do that, and pushed too hard?"

I sigh.

"I think it would be better for Fiona not to have me around at all than to have me as I was when I was ill," I say. "I am not sure I am entirely sane at present," I add, quirking an eyebrow at him, "but it is nothing like - that." The great open mouth of darkness. "And if I did not have you, after I have learned what it is like to love you..." The words trail away.
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:19 pm (UTC)
"I am not sure I am entirely sane at present, but it is nothing like - that. And if I did not have you, after I have learned what it is like to love you..."

The way his voice fades out makes me pull him in against me, hold him tight. Never going to let that happen, love. Never. Whatever it takes "You don't have to worry about that," I say fiercely. "I'm not going anywhere. Couldn't make me leave, now. Probably," I add, trying to lighten the tone, "have to shoot me and dump my body in the river, now. And even then I might crawl back out."

...not sure that did very well at lightening things.
al_shairan
Sep. 23rd, 2010 12:25 pm (UTC)
"You don't have to worry about that," I say fiercely. "I'm not going anywhere. Couldn't make me leave, now."

He holds me so tightly.

"I believe you," I say against his ear. "I believe you."

"Probably have to shoot me and dump my body in the river, now. And even then I might crawl back out."

I draw back a little and raise an eyebrow at him.

"You are," I say, "quite the strangest man I have ever known, which given my life thus far is saying something." I am grinning. "It is good to know that I am assured of your zombified love. That is a load off my mind." I put my arm around him. "And the rest," I say, more seriously. "I knew it already, but I am still glad. I trust you more than anyone else. I do not know how that happened."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 24th, 2010 01:32 am (UTC)
"You are quite the strangest man I have ever known, which given my life thus far is saying something. It is good to know that I am assured of your zombified love. That is a load off my mind."

...Zombified love? Cheered him up, at least. Glad to see him grinning again, and he's got his arm round me now. "And the rest. I knew it already, but I am still glad. I trust you more than anyone else. I do not know how that happened."

"Started trusting you," I say thoughtfully, "when I realised how - honest you were. With me. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? - all things considered, I mean. You were always straight with me from he start."

Hear what I just said and laugh a bit. "You know what I mean. And then somewhere along the line, I realised I was - " Try to find the words. Not even talking about being in love with him, now.

"I realised I couldn't imagine my life without you. There was just... It seemed like it'd be - empty. I don't just mean fucking, or being in a relationship. Even if we were enemies; just needed you there. You had to be there somehow. It was like...everything revolved around you, and I hadn't seen it happen but then there you were. Like gravity had suddenly shifted to you."

I'm not making sense, I don't think. Hopefully he'll understand.
al_shairan
Sep. 24th, 2010 10:05 am (UTC)
Started trusting you when I realised how - honest you were. With me. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? - all things considered, I mean. You were always straight with me from the start."

"Fucked up, probably," I say, "given my reputation. But I found it...easier, to tell you the truth. It satisfied something in me, though at the time I could not have told you what."

"I realised I couldn't imagine my life without you. There was just... It seemed like it'd be - empty. I don't just mean fucking, or being in a relationship. Even if we were enemies; just needed you there. You had to be there somehow. It was like...everything revolved around you, and I hadn't seen it happen but then there you were. Like gravity had suddenly shifted to you."

My chest feels quite tight, suddenly. It is not as if I have not been told you mean the world to me by others, but this is different.

"Yes," I say. "It is more than love, this. You are the axis of things for me, now." I think that my world would shiver to pieces if he were not here, and it is a thought that is simultaneously terrifying and satisfying. "I told myself long ago I would never let someone be that to me. But I can't not for you." I kiss him, mouth open but the kiss somehow almost chaste, a salute rather than an embrace.
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 24th, 2010 08:14 pm (UTC)
"I told myself long ago I would never let someone be that to me. But I can't not for you." That'd worry me, if it wasn't for the fact that I know I won't leave him. I can give him what Gabe wouldn't, what Lily never did. Feels good, to have a purpose like that. To be needed.

He presses his mouth to mine and my lips soften under his, part a little. Reminds me of what he's done to me overall, everything in me that was clenched and rigid turned soft and open to him. Won't let any of those walls down with anyone else, but being able to do it with him -

He said I'd saved him. Think he did the same to me. Don't like to think about where I might've ended up, without him. He gave me my life back. "Fuck," I say cheerfully, "I'm starving. Think the noodles'll be cold?"
al_shairan
Sep. 24th, 2010 11:20 pm (UTC)
"Fuck, I'm starving. Think the noodles'll be cold?"

"Stone cold," I say, smiling back at him, the mood lightening. "But we have a microwave." I notice the we after I say it, and it makes my smile lift higher. I get off the bed and stretch, and offer him my hand to help him up. Reheated takeout would not normally be on my list of ideal meals, but right now it seems perfect.

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