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Al's apartment, a few days later

Spending more of my time here, now. Much of it as I can, really.

Still have to be careful, of course. Think Al's got some kind of plan in place to tidy away any evidence of our previous deal; figure I'm better off not knowing the details.

But we've been able to get up together in the mornings, mostly, and I'm here when he comes back from work - which seems to be getting earlier, these past days. And it's - easy. More absurdly domestic than I'd've thought possibly, when he straightens my tie under my chin with a slight frown for my scruffiness, or I take his jacket and kiss him as he comes in the door. Almost frightening how fast it's starting to feel normal, him and me, here. Not sure I realised how I've missed living with someone, since Syl. Knowing it'll last, god willing. Knowing that I'm home.

[Open to Al]

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al_shairan
Sep. 15th, 2010 07:49 pm (UTC)
It has been a - strange week. I have not been able to be here every night, but it has been almost every evening. When Lily saw me a few days ago, she said at once that she thought Fiona should not see me until the bruises on my face went down. This is quite right, although I miss putting her to bed. But it has meant I have been able to be more selfish, and thus spend nearly every night with Tez. And it is strange because -

I am quite sure I am happy.

My black eye has faded into a yellow-green, now, and the marks on my throat are almost gone. This has not stopped Jenkins frowning at Tez. Jenkins has the least presence in a room of anyone I have ever met - it is, I know, a skill he spent a long time developing - but somehow he has managed to make his feelings for Tez quite clear this week. I find it a little amusing, because it otherwise does not impede his performance. My employees at the office were visibly startled by my bruises - all except Jeanie, who can take anything in her extremely capable stride. I felt conscious of everyone's quickly averted stares, and it made me...pleased. So much is changing for me, so much.

I call Fiona from the office. She thinks I am on a business trip, and she talks to me happily about her day. I ask if her mother wants to speak to me, and the answer is no. For the moment I am content with that, and so it is barely eight when I dismiss Jenkins and open the front door.

"It's me," I call, quite easily, and shrug out of my jacket and tie at once.
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 15th, 2010 08:01 pm (UTC)
"It's me."

Started to smile as soon as I heard the door, and now it's worse. For fuck's sake. Anyone would think I was happy.

How he gets through the day so uncreased I'll never know. Fucking unnatural. "Hi honey, you're home?" I call back, mocking us both, and come through to see him. "How was work? Toppled any business empires today? There's tea in the kitchen." Coffee, too, but he bitches about my coffee. "My day sucked balls." Endless paper-shuffling. Chuck the whole fucking lot in the trash, if I could.

Soon.

Edited at 2010-09-15 08:03 pm (UTC)
al_shairan
Sep. 15th, 2010 08:08 pm (UTC)
Tez appears, and my smile springs up in a ridiculous sort of way. The last time I remember being quite so excited to get home was when Lily and I were first married - but that is hardly what I want to think of right now. So I do not. I think about Lily enough. My time with Tez is mine alone.

"How was work? Toppled any business empires today? There's tea in the kitchen. My day sucked balls."

I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Hopefully not literally. Everyone in your department is quite unattractive," I say breezily. "I shall get changed; I will be down in a moment."

With my suit put away and wearing a thawb, I feel the working day is left behind, too. As I come downstairs and walk to the kitchen, I smell cardamom, and I feel another little shock of what I suppose is contentment. I pour myself a cup and savour the first sip.

"Now," I say, and I take Tez's face in my hands. "Now I am home." And I kiss him.
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 15th, 2010 08:20 pm (UTC)
"Hopefully not literally. Everyone in yoru department is quite unattractive."

Give him the finger idly and watch him go up the stairs, head back into the kitchen and sip my coffee. Started putting more sugar in it recently. Been craving sweet things more, since I came off the booze.

Always a bit startling to see him when he's changed. Getting more used to him dressed like this, but there's always a moment of shock. That loose thing has its advantages, though, and I smile to myself. And then he's kissing me, and his mouth tastes of cardamom, foreign and newly familiar together.

"Now. Now I am home."

Rest my cheek against his for a moment, feel the rasp of stubble against stubble. "Good. I haven't eaten, by the way." Hungrier, too, without the booze. He doesn't seem to be in the habit of keeping food in the place.
al_shairan
Sep. 15th, 2010 08:36 pm (UTC)
Tez always looks faintly surprised when I wear Iranian clothes, but I like to wear something other than a suit in the evening, and I am hardly going to put on sweatpants to relax. He will get used to it. I am sure years of working in a police force saturated with an obsession with domestic terrorism hardly helps, but my nationality is not exactly the greatest hurdle in our relationship he has managed to overcome.

"Good. I haven't eaten, by the way."

"We can call for something," I say. "How do you feel about Japanese?" I slip an arm around his waist. "I should really start keeping the kitchen stocked," I say. "This was never intended as somewhere I would spend more than a night or two at a time, but it seems a shame not to use the kitchen." I stroke the small of his back. "I would like to cook for you," I say. It is strange, the satisfaction I am taking in these everyday things. "But takeout will have to do tonight. And what did you want to do after that?" I am sure I can think of something if he cannot.



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al_shairan
Sep. 17th, 2010 08:36 am (UTC)
"Don't think your father would've appreciated me much at all. And not just cos I'm male."

I snort.

"He probably would have had something to say about me getting in bed with the law, yes."

He lets me undress him. There is nothing urgent about it, nothing even overwhelmingly sexual. It is strangely comforting, to shed our clothes together. I unfasten his belt.


"I didn't think I did. Until I went back. Then - it was the smells of the place, weirdly. Just...when I got back, it was like Excolo smelled wrong. Now...I think of it more. Don't think I'd go back."


"And your brother is dead," I say gently, unzipping his pants. I kneel down to pull them off, and I kiss the inside of his thigh. And so is my father, dead for years, but it is only now that I have begun to exorcise him. Perhaps we are ridding ourselves of our ghosts.
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 17th, 2010 12:22 pm (UTC)
"And your brother is dead." Think of saying, thank you, Al, I was aware, but my heart's not in being bitchy. And I know what he means, anyway, so when he kneels and kisses me I rest my hand lightly in his hair, lifting my bad leg out of my pants leg.

"Yes," I say, simply. "He is." I look down at him kneeling there, and feel a kind of twinge around my heart. It's closer to pain than love, I think, this feeling, but it's not a bad sort. More like the pain when something's healing than when it's rotting, for once.

"I hate that we wouldn't have this, if he wasn't." I didn't mean to say that - just came out of its own accord. Suppose I have to run with it, then, and I sigh. Not what I wanted to be discussing. "That I - gave him that much power." I brush Al's hair back, trace his hairline with a finger.

For all that my voice's calm enough my heart's going fast. Only discussed this once, ever, with him, and never sober.
al_shairan
Sep. 17th, 2010 12:36 pm (UTC)
"I hate that we wouldn't have this, if he wasn't. That I - gave him that much power."

I look up at him. His hand is very gentle on my hair.

"I hate him," I say flatly. "I hate him the way I hate Gabe. Maybe more," I say, and is that not a thought? "Because he hurt you, not me." I stroke the inside of his leg and stand up. "Our families fucked us up quite well," I observe, drawing him to me, bare skin against skin. "But we can leave that behind."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 17th, 2010 12:47 pm (UTC)
"I hate him the way I hate Gabe. Maybe more." Feel my throat close up at that, so that I can't speak until he's pulled me in against him. "Our families fucked us up quite well. But we can leave that behind."

I put my arms round him. His gentleness always amazes me, when he shows it. I know that I'd kill Gabe, if I could. Find the knowledge sitting in me, just like that. I think I'd enjoy it.

I should feel wrong about that, but I can't, holding him like that. Just think about the youth he must've been, how he was broken. I'd do it, Al. Thought makes me press against him a bit more firmly.

"We can leave it all behind." I drop my head and kiss the place where his neck joins his shoulder, very gently. I remember him saying he'd kill anyone who stood in our way, and think how the muzzle of his gun pressed up against my jaw. My hand brushes down to his ass, rests there lightly.
al_shairan
Sep. 17th, 2010 12:55 pm (UTC)
He presses against me. Love.

"We can leave it all behind."

"Yes," I say as he puts his mouth against my neck. "Oh, yes." I shiver lightly as he strokes my ass. "It is lucky Quet killed himself," I say, tone quite cold. "Because you know I would do it. A gun would not be enough, not for that." It has been a very long time since I got my hands dirty. But this - I would cut his heart out. I almost wish he were still alive, so I could have that satisfaction. So I could show Tez what I would do for him.

"How," I say, "do you want to fuck?" I want to give him what he wants, and I put my hand between us, get my hand lightly round his cock.
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al_shairan
Sep. 21st, 2010 10:00 am (UTC)
My legs tremble as I come down, panting hard. I feel loose-limbed, relaxed, but Tez's muscles are still tense around me. I let go of his hair, shift the arm around his chest so I can hold him better, and put my sweat-damp hand on his cock. He is so very hard. I feel my cock give a final twitch inside him at the feel of his hardness, the heat of him, and I jerk his prick roughly, quickly.

"Come on, love," I say. "I want to feel you come."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 21st, 2010 12:13 pm (UTC)
"Come on, love. I want to feel you come."

Thank fuck.

There's nothing gentle about his hand, and that's good, because I don't have the patience now. I let my head hang forward, breathing hard, and when I come it's hard relief that leaves me gasping. Feels more like an afterthought than anything, something physical I needed to get out of the way so I could relax with him; the real climax was that point he was so deep inside me.

"Fuck," and my voice is raw, exhausted. "I love you. Lie down with me now."
al_shairan
Sep. 21st, 2010 12:40 pm (UTC)
He comes hard, panting, and I shudder a little in sympathy behind him.

"I love you. Lie down with me now."

I withdraw, easing out gently, and I help him down onto the bed because I know his knees will have seized up. I lie with my chest against his back, and I kiss his shoulder.

"I love being inside you," I say. "Really, I do not know why I do anything else. Work, eating..." I smile against his shoulder, and I let out a satisfied sigh.

I stroke his hip for a while, almost drifting to sleep.

"I wonder if she will look like you," I say. "Your daughter, I mean." I am not sure why it comes to mind now. "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."
tezcatl_ipoca
Sep. 21st, 2010 07:23 pm (UTC)
I can't move, but he helps me without me asking. His arm over me is comforting, his lips against my shoulder. "I love being inside you. Really, I do not know why I do anything else. Work, eating..."

"Eating gives you the energy to fuck," I say lazily. "Can stop working, if you want."

I'm pretty much asleep by the time he speaks again. "I wonder if she will look like you." What? "Your daughter, I mean." Oh. Why's he - "I was jealous, when I first learned that Danika was pregnant. I am not, now. I think I am ... glad."

Interesting. Turn over to look at him. "Took a bit of getting used to, I've got to say. But - I want this, Al. A kid, I mean. I think I'll make a shitty father," fucking terrified I will, "but...yeah."

I brush his hair back from his face. "Why were you jealous, love?" He wasn't jealous of the fucking, I think. I remember what happened, when I told him about the baby. Remember it very well, and I smile a bit.
al_shairan
Sep. 21st, 2010 08:09 pm (UTC)
"Took a bit of getting used to, I've got to say. But - I want this, Al. A kid, I mean. I think I'll make a shitty father, but...yeah."

"You will not," I say seriously, "be a bad father. I think you know enough about bad fatherhood to avoid those mistakes. And you will love her, and that will help." I sometimes wonder if my father ever loved me; not in a maudln way, but from genuine curiosity.

"Why were you jealous, love?"

He is smiling a little, and I feel almost self-conscious.

"I suppose," I say, "it seemed like you could have - a normal sort of life, you and Danika and the baby, and I should not have begrudged you that, since I had it for myself -" I notice the past tense as I say it, and I wonder what it is I have now, marriage slowly slipping away and I have not the heart to hold onto it - "but." I touch his face. "I told you that I think I realised then that I loved you, even if I did not acknowledge it. I thought I would lose you. And it is not as if I could give you a family, which I knew you had always wanted." I stroke my hand along his cheek. "I myself wanted it so much that it overthrew years of natural inclination, at least for a while. I never thought I would love a woman, and I did, and I think a lot of it was because she had my child. After my childhood, after - everything, the thought of that... It was perfect. Or so I thought."
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