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Late March 1953

It's one of those perfect early spring days, the sky that bright light blue and warmth in the sun at last. March is definitely going out like a lamb this year, and we have the window in the train compartment open, letting in the smell of the country.

It's so queer to be making this familiar journey with Al. I've been pointing things out through the window as we get close - the ruins of the castle, the chalk carving on the hillside, the field where they found the Roman villa last summer, still patterned with string fences. But I'm starting to feel a little nervous now, because - well. Al and my parents. And my house is hardly like his house, is it?

We're alone in the carriage, sitting next to each other, and I put my hand briefly on his knee to reassure myself.

[Open to Al]

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al_shairan
Jun. 17th, 2010 06:55 pm (UTC)
It's been a funny sort of term in a lot of ways. Exams are approaching, and all the beaks are getting dreadfully fierce about university and Our Futures, and they've been piling on the homework. And it's been getting harder, with Tez, not to let it show how I feel. I feel more and more comfortable with him, and I keep worrying I'm going to slip up and let that out. And I am getting increasingly frustrated by - well, all the things I want to do with him, and we can't because we have to be so careful.

This is the first hols in a while I haven't been home - we've gone straight from school to Tez's. I don't think my parents were too keen on me staying with him, but I dug my heels in and they gave in.

Tez has been pointing out things to me on the way. It's a pretty journey, and it's meant I can lean into him as we both look out of the window. He sets his hand on my knee and I smile at him.

"I suppose we're nearly there," I say. "Will your parents come to collect us?"
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 18th, 2010 12:11 am (UTC)
"I suppose we're nearly there. Will your parents come to collect us?"

"Next station," I say, and I'm trying to sound casual but I don't suppose I fool him. "And yes - they always do." And it's not like our car's like his, either, is it? Oh, god, this is so stupid of me - I know he's not that...that shallow, and yet I can't stop.

That's leaving aside the question of whether Father will be respectable while he's here. By which I mean sober, of course, and - well. It's not like he doesn't know, but it's different to see it, isn't it? It's enough to make me wish I had a drink.

I feel the train's brakes go on, and I stand up. "We're here," I say. "Come on." The porter will have our trunks, and I'm feeling restless.
al_shairan
Jun. 18th, 2010 12:54 am (UTC)
Tez is anxious, I can tell. He's almost abrupt with me when we arrive, and it sets me on edge too, but I just nod and follow him.

We get out onto the platform and look about, and Tez spots what I suppose must be his parents. I can see that he looks a little like them both, especially his father. They both look so - Spanish. I suppose I know Tez is, but it's easy to forget, in school and in uniform. They both have serious faces, and although his mother smiles at him it doesn't smooth out the anxious lines in her face.

"Hullo, Mr Ipoca, Mrs Ipoca," I say politely once Tez has greeted them. I wonder if they'll like me. I sort of hope that they do, given that my parents have taken a dislike to Tez.
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 18th, 2010 01:06 am (UTC)
I kiss Mama's cheek, and Father shakes my hand. I'm glad I put my good jacket on, because at least he doesn't shake his head over how I look this time. Or maybe that's just because Al is here.

"This is Al," I say, and he greets them both very politely. They can't fault his manners, I'm sure, and he looks awfully smart even after the journey. You can never really tell what Father thinks about anyone, though.

Mama smiles, at least. "How nice to meet you, Al." I'm suddenly more aware of her accent than I normally am.

Father cuts across her, of course. "Where are your trunks, boys?" He strides off in search of the porter, and I manage not to flinch.
al_shairan
Jun. 18th, 2010 01:24 am (UTC)
"How nice to meet you, Al."

"Thank you," I say, and then add "encantado," glancing at Tez to see if I am right. His father talks across us, going to get our bags, and there's a bit of an awkward moment before we all head off to the car.

It doesn't take long to get to Tez's house, and I'm happy to sit quietly. The place looks quite - sweet, really, from the outside, almost like a cottage, though I fear if I say that he'll think I'm being patronising. My knee brushes against his in the back of the car. I feel more awkward than usual. Normally I find it easy to talk to people's parents, but Tez's people are different from the parents I've normally talked to - not quite the same class, and foreign besides - and I don't know how to present myself. If I didn't love Tez, all I would care was that I was polite as a chap should be, but I do love him and he loves them, and so - Yes. I am a little on edge.
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al_shairan
Jun. 19th, 2010 12:27 am (UTC)
"So - fucked up."

I wonder if it's queer that hearing Tez swear is sort of thrilling. But then, we've liked stranger things. Alright, not helping... And besides, I shouldn't be thinkng about that when Tez looks so down in the mouth.

"Fucked up," I agree. Saying that reminds me of smoking on school grounds or something.

"Mine...well. I told you about him. Him drinking, I mean. I hope he won't while you're here, but - "

"I'm sorry," I say quietly. "I wish..." I trail off, because it's a bally awkward sort of thing to talk about, parents and their feet of clay. "If I ever had a son," I say, "I'd want to treat him like a human being." I pause. "Though I suppose that's not really something I have to worry about."

It's a strange realisation. I'd never really thought about that before.
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 19th, 2010 12:32 am (UTC)
"If I ever had a son, I'd want to treat him like a human being. Though I suppose that's not really something I have to worry about."

I look at him, a bit troubled. I mean, it's not as if we can't - well, he and I can't, obviously, but either of us with someone else (and I'm not thinking about Syl, about the - the taste of her, though I can't imagine her with children, not ever). But... "Do you mind that?" I ask, quietly. "That - I mean. "Do you think you'll...want children? One day?"

It's a strange thing to think about, either of us being a father. I still feel so much like a kid myself, but my parents were married when they weren't much older than me.
al_shairan
Jun. 19th, 2010 12:46 am (UTC)
"Do you think you'll...want children? One day?"

I shrug a little.

"I don't suppose it matters what I want," I say. "I don't think... I'm not like you, Tez," I say, very quietly, and when I talk about this it always makes me feel a bit like there's a splinter in my chest, a sharp small worry. "I suppose I can't really get married. Not in good conscience. Unless it was to someone like Syl, to help her, and that's hardly going to result in children." I think of how I held Syl, and I kissed her, and I flush a bit. But I don't think about her the way I do about Tez, not at all. "I suppose you could," I say, and it comes out a bit flat. "Get married. If you wanted." I lean against the garden wall.
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 19th, 2010 01:13 am (UTC)
"I don't suppose it matters what I want. I don't think...I'm not like you, Tez. I suppose I can't really get married. Not in good conscience. Unless it was to someone like Syl, to help her, and that's hardly going to result in children."

But he was alright with Syl, wasn't he? With...what we all did? I suppose I'd thought....

"I suppose you could. Get married. If you wanted."

His voice's gone strange, and he's leaning against the wall, away from me. I look at him, and say diffidently, "Not really, I can't. I mean." I swallow a bit. Has he forgotten about it. "I thought...in the attic. At your house." I meant what I said.
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al_shairan
Jun. 21st, 2010 08:10 pm (UTC)
"Oh, please, Al. I love you so much. So much." He's fumbling with the buttons of my shirt at once, and his urgency makes me harder. I shrug my shirt off.

"One day, one day it'll always be like this. On our own, whenever we want - "

That makes me shiver with another sort of desire, and I kiss his mouth and cheekbones, get my hand in his hair.

"I want that," I say fiercely. "I want us to be together. I want - I want us to live together," I say, breath hitching. "I want to - go to bed with you and get up with you and to have no one to ask us what we're doing - " My fingers get all tangled in his shirt front but I get the buttons undone at last. I push it off his shoulders, and then I step back, just a little, so I can look at him, run my hand down his chest and stomach.

"Oh, Tez," I murmur, and I feel almost - amazed, still, with the way I want him, love him. I pull him back against me. "I want - " I swallow hard, and I put my cheek against his. It's easier to say like this. "I want to do - what we tried to do before. I want to - I want to fuck you." I feel myself flush hard, saying that word, and I bite his earlobe to distract myself from my embarrassment.
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 21st, 2010 08:27 pm (UTC)
"I want that. I want us to be together. I want - I want us to live together. I want to - go to bed with you and get up with you and to have no one to ask us what we're doing - "

I want that. I want it so much it bloody hurts. He's got my shirt off now, and I want him to touch me, and it feels so right when he does. The way he's looking at me as he strokes me makes me embarrassed and proud together, and I tentatively put my shoulders back and lift my chin a little, feeling foolish for doing it, but I want him to look -

He pulls me in against him, though, presses his face up against mine. "I want - I want to do - what we tried to do before. I want to - I want to fuck you."

His cheek's hot against mine, and oh god. I cry out a little when he bites my ear, and I can do that here, I don't have to be silent, and the relief is so great that for a moment I don't really register what he said. And then -

I grip him hard, nails going into his back through his shirt. I'm nervous, but more than that I'm so hard, so excited, and my breath is fast and light. I feel a bit dizzy again. I'm too embarrassed myself manage to say anything - to say yes - so I just pull back and tug him over to the bed, get my hands on his fly. Surely he'll understand.
al_shairan
Jun. 21st, 2010 08:38 pm (UTC)
He makes a sharp sound when I bite him. We've always been so quiet, and hearing him - I think I make a soft sound too, in a sort of sympathy. Then he digs his nails into my back and I breathe in hard, and then he's pulling me over to the bed and unbuttoning my trousers, which I suppose means yes. I pull my shoes and socks off impatiently, and then I'm kissing the side of his neck, his shoulder, hands moving over him restlessly, like I want to feel all of him at once.

"We'll need -" I'm panting. "I mean. To - do it. Cream. For -" Somehow I can't say lubrication; it sounds more obscene than fuck. I draw back, my fly open and my face flushed. "I have some. I'll - " I unbolt the door and slip next door, rummaging quickly through my suitcase, throwing aside shirts which I ordinarily never do, and then I come back and shut and lock the door again. He's sitting on the bed half-naked, and oh, God, I'm so hard for him.

"Take off your trousers," I say, and I'm surprised by how firm I sound.
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 21st, 2010 09:19 pm (UTC)
He pretty much runs next door to get the cream, and I just sit and try to breathe. I'm remembering how it felt before, when he put his fingers in me, and then.... I have to press down hard on my own cock to ease the ache, the need to come thinking about how it began to feel good.

He's back quickly, the door locked behind him. "Take off your trousers," he says, and it's like the voice he had in detention. I swallow hard and fumble my trousers open, shove them down and push them off together with my shoes and socks. I'm in just my pants, and I put my fingers on the elastic and look at him questioningly. Obviously I'll need to take them off, but he hasn't told me to, and isn't it strange how - how obedient I am to him, so quickly? I remember how hard I was when he beat me, how much I wished we could do this.
al_shairan
Jun. 21st, 2010 09:41 pm (UTC)
He just...does what I tell him to, like he did when - oh, lord. The way he puts his fingers in the waistband of his pants and then just looks at me for my approval makes my breathing come hard.

"Yes," I say thickly. "Those too." When he takes them off I just have to look at him, and I know it makes him embarrassed but I can't not.

"I love how you look," I say, coming over to the bed and running my hands down his arms. "I love everything about you," I say, and I do, all the good and all the things that make me anxious or frustrated altogether. I push him gently back down onto the bed so I can kiss down his chest, along the inside of his arm, to the crease of his thigh. I hardly ever get to take any time at all to touch him, especially not through all the cold winter months of only being able to fumble indoors after lights out, and I want to make this count.
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al_shairan
Jun. 23rd, 2010 11:08 pm (UTC)
"Do you think I'm - nearly ready? I want - "

I feel like my breath gets caught in my chest, somehow.

"I think - " I don't really know. "Oh, Tez," I say, and my voice is hoarse. "I want you, I want you so bloody much." I draw my fingers out very slowly, and I lean across his body so I can kiss him. I sit back so I can get my prick - lubricated, and the feel of it, and knowing what we're going to do, makes a shudder of desire pass through me. Oh, Tez, oh.

I look at him for a moment, because I'm trying to work out the best way -

"I think," I say, considering, "if... Maybe if you pulled your knees up?" I stroke the inside of his thigh. "That might. You know. Give me - better access." Oh lord.
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 23rd, 2010 11:15 pm (UTC)
The slow slide of his fingers out of me is strange, almost but not quite uncomfortable. And then - oh god, and then.

"I think if... Maybe you pulled your knees up? That might. You know. Give me - better access."

"Like this?" I pull them up to my chest, and oh god, I feel - obscene. And exposed, and that makes me a little scared. I hook my fingers into the bedsheet and wonder how long I'll be able to keep my legs like this.

"Are you...ready?" It's a stupid sort of question, given how hard he is. I glance at his prick, and oh god, oh god. I'm almost ashamed of how much I want this, though the nerves.
al_shairan
Jun. 23rd, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
He pulls his knees up, oh God. He looks so - helpless and exposed, and I'm not sure that should make me make a little sound in my throat but it does.

"Like this?"

"I think so," I say. "Maybe if - I mean, maybe a pillow would help. Underneath you, you know." I pull one from under his head and push it under his hips, and I think now the angle looks better. Oh God. We are really going to do this.

"Are you...ready?"

"I think so," I say. "Yes." I move between his thighs, and I lean forward so I can kiss him, almost for comfort rather than anything else. I move back and take hold of my prick, and I put the head of it against his hole. I'm almost trembling now, I think, with desire and nerves. "Tell me if you - if you need to stop."
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 24th, 2010 09:40 pm (UTC)
I feel even more vulnerable tipped back like this. His mouth against mine's reassuring, though, and I like the feel of him between my legs like that, the sight of him above me. And then I can feel his prick against me. Oh god, I'm scared.

"Tell me if you - if you need to stop."

I nod mutely, and then he's pushing. The feel of it brings a deep open-mouthed groan out of me, and it does hurt a bit but not like last time, just the stretch of it. Oh. Oh. I want all of him in me, his weight on me, I want -

"It's - keep going - "
al_shairan
Jun. 24th, 2010 11:10 pm (UTC)
The sound he makes, oh God, the sound. And he feels - It's so - I can't even think.

"It's - keep going - "

I don't know if I could stop after that groan he made, the way he's opening up for me. My body is trembling, and I'm breathing fast. Bloody hell.

"Tez - " I sink further into him, and I make this strangled sort of whimpering noise which probably sounds absurd, but I don't care about that, or anything that's not the feel of him around me. "Oh, love."
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al_shairan
Jun. 26th, 2010 11:50 pm (UTC)
"It was - wonderful. Not just...what we did. Being able to do it, with you, with no one - oh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say."

I kiss the side of his face.

"I know," I say. "To not be worrying about someone walking past, or walking in..." I breathe out. "It should always be like this," I say seriously. I run my hand up and down his chest slowly. "We'll have our own house," I say, "one day. And we can do whatever we bloody well like." I sigh and curl into him a bit more. "But first, this summer. We need to go away," I say, and I mean need rather than want. "I need to be able to be like this with you, at least for a little while." I shift a bit on the bed and put my head on his shoulder. "Thank you," I say after a moment. "For - trusting me to do that, you know."
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 27th, 2010 06:39 pm (UTC)
"It should always be like this. We'll have our own house, one day. And we can do whatever we bloody well like."

I lean into the thought, all this - this easiness, forever. Feel like a little kid listening to a bedtime story, though I never had that, really. "But first, this summer. We need to go away. I need to be able to be with you, at least for a little while."

Just him and me, like this, for longer than a day.... "Yes," I say, my voice a bit rough. "Somewhere - somewhere quiet, without other people." Not in a room in the middle of the city, worrying that people might overhear.

"Thank you. For - trusting me to do that, you know."

I shift to look down at him, a bit surprised. "Why wouldn't I? I know you wouldn't ever hurt me. Well," I add, with a crooked sort of grin, "not unless. You know."
al_shairan
Jun. 27th, 2010 06:54 pm (UTC)
"Somewhere - somewhere quiet, without other people."

I nod.

"The country," I say. "Scotland, perhaps. Somewhere wild and quiet. I'm sure my parents have friends who could lend us a cottage," I say, and I shrug a bit self-consciously. "One of the places for the hunting season, you know. They won't need them in July."

Tez shifts on the bed, looking down at me. I put a hand up to touch the curve of his jaw, his throat. I wonder why I never used to think he was handsome.

"Why wouldn't I? I know you wouldn't ever hurt me. Well, not unless. You know."

The way he smiles makes the blood come up into my face. And, well, elsewhere, just a little.

"I know," I say. "But..." I'm not sure what I want to say. "People have trusted me before," I say, "to do the right thing, to say the right thing, to be a - good chap and all that. But you - " I don't know how to put it. "I don't really think anyone's ever really loved me before you, you know. Except Tammy, and I think she'd hate me if she knew about - this. I'm..." I don't know why I've got so blasted emotional. "I'm so glad you do."
tezcatl_ipoca
Jun. 28th, 2010 12:17 pm (UTC)
"The country. Scotland, perhaps. Somewhere wild and quiet. I'm sure my parents have friends who could lend us a cottage. One of the places for the hunting season, you know. They won't need them in July."

It still takes me by surprise, sometimes, things like that, but after everything we just did it only makes me smile.

I like that I can make him blush. I'm feeling loose-limbed and lazy, happy with him curled against me. "I know. But... People have trusted me before," I say, "to do the right thing, to say the right thing, to be a - good chap and all that. But you - I don't really think anyone's ever really loved me before you, you know. Except Tammy, and I think she'd hate me if she knew about - this. I'm...I'm so glad you do."

My heart twists a little bit. He's said that before, and I'll never understand it, never. How could anyone not love him? He's so - beautiful, yes, but also so clever and decent and gentle and kind. Not that he lets most people see those last two, but he is. There's so much to him to love that I sometimes feel like my chest's going to burst with it. All the feeling in him, that he has to keep back. But not with me, Al, never with me.

I hold him a bit tighter against me, thinking of that. "I'm so glad I do, too," I say quietly. "Loving you's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Al. Loving you and having you love me back. I'd trust you with anything - to do anything to me - " Blast it, now I'm sounding choked up too. At least Al doesn't mind me being so wretchedly sentimental, not like the fellows at school.
al_shairan
Jun. 28th, 2010 12:49 pm (UTC)
"Loving you's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Al. Loving you and having you love me back. I'd trust you with anything - to do anything to me - "

I don't think I can find the words to reply to that, and so I just hold him.

"You know I feel the same," I manage, and I kiss him. But I have to say something light, I think, or we'll both start - crying or something. "I suppose I should take you up on that anything," I say, smiling a bit and resting my hand on his stomach. "When we go away we'll have - time to do all sorts of things," I add, and my voice dips a bit at the thought. "Only one more term of school, now," I say. "We just have to survive that, and then..." I don't know exactly what it'll be like. It's not like if we both go to Cambridge we'll just be able to do whatever we like - I'm sure the dons are like beaks, though at least they won't be assigning us bedtimes - but it'll be freer, surely. Easier.
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al_shairan
Jun. 29th, 2010 10:17 am (UTC)
"She doesn't want to be in the house any more than she has to. So, we don't have to - move, yet. Not if you don't want to."

"I never want to," I say, sentimentally. I rub his foot with mine. "I could stay here for days." I could ask about the tension in Tez's voice when he talks about his mother, but I don't want to spoil this, and so I just shift so I'm sprawled half on top of him and kiss him again, because I can.
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